It's calm under the waves in the blue of my oblivion....

I don't know what I'm doing...... I'm wasting my time. I'm just getting over being really sick.... I'm on over load but not doing anything if that's possible. There are so many things I need to do and get done. Yet I find myself doing none of these things. I either mope around at home like I did yesterday or I hang out at J.'s house. I really like this kid but we are both non commitment people, but we still hang out all the time, I sleep over all the time. I'm helping him with things in his life at the moment. Funny hu? I can barely get myself to drive back to Kent and go to class or get myself to sit a write a paper or study. And here I am trying to put my friends feet back on the ground. I can't tell what's stressing or draining me? School, people, work, Roommates, Me??? Ahhhhhh I just feel like screaming as loud as I can and just start going crazy! B/c If I don't figure out what I'm doing to myself I most certainly will go crazy..... I haven't slept at my apartment in a week.....the 10 minutes I was there the other day the roommates talked about me the whole time. Not to my face or directly by any means...it was like they had a conversation between themselves to hurt me b/c i could hear everything.....Ugh I hate them! I want to move out tomorrow and never come back.....oh no we are moving into the 3 room apartment tomorrow....of course when my day is packed I have to go and deal with that nonsense! Just what I want to do!! not! sit there and b/s while they move all of their crap.....It will honestly take me about 2 trips to move all of my stuff no kidding.....the second trip will be my bed.....I'm going to ask J. to help me move my stuff so I don't have to ask them to help me....I don't really want their help.....I don't want to live with them.......
The other day I noticed something while I was sitting on the porch at J.'s house. I hear Kent differently than I did last year. Last year all I heard were the birds outside, when I woke up I heard them, when I went to class...... This year I don't hear them anymore.....I hear silence or I hear the people moving around me.....I kinda liked the birds ha ha ha
I need to start going to the gym again....It used to make me feel so much better. But I'm to the point where I can't even motivate myself to do anything at all.....just writing this right now is wearing me out. I just feel awful all the time....I felt like a waste of life yesterday I skipped all 3 classes I had and then came back to school around 8ish, drank and went to J.'s.
I'm working at the hookah bar right now I just feel like falling over and going to sleep......right where I am......but no I have a very long night ahead of me......
My mother told me to come home and go to sleep...ha ha ha If I only could....I still feel obligated to show up and attempt to work and pay attention in class.
So I am calm under the waves in the blue of my oblivion.....I just put on a smile and go with the flow even though I'm slowly dying inside......