"if you weren't careful you could lose everything you've ever earned in life in a split second."

wow..... lot has happened recently..... half moved into newest apartment... still live at home and the 3 bedroom... I moved in with G. and M..... went to Italy with M....... got home got in huge fight with M. he moved out..... G. and I are complicated as ever.... I hate my life.... I dropped out of school....Both work places are nightmares to go to... I feel like I'm going absolutely no where... I'm completely broke and I work 60 hours a week.... I have loads of credit card debt.... I'm helping remodel our apartment....I'm sitting in the bath tub talking to G. on aim when I should have driven back to our apartment hours ago.....I can't stand anything anymore.... I have been drinking and smoking to the point of blacking out I become an emotional mess that no one can help or settle down.... where the f*&^ am I going what am I doing? In Italy I drank a ridiculous amount... I would go outside by myself in downtown Florence and sit and smoke and cry. wondering why I'm so messed up why no one wants to be with me. I hate myself I don't make any sense I'm stupid I hate the world. I'm so stressed out and I can't even tell you what for. Ive completely lost it. I lost everything that I have been for the past couple years.....weeks just keep going by and nothing ever really happens I don't really move forward or back..... I'm in this constant battle with myself and yet I do nothing... I sleep alll day I don't go to the gym, Im gaining weight like its my job or something... I need a schedule I need a routine something to go along with. but I can't even pull myself to do anything about it..... I'm a very jealous and mean person but I never show it. well I shouldn't say never because the past month I have been glowing with hatred and jealously. I love G. but we could never be together yet I sit here wanting to kill myself because I'm not with him. he moves on and I'm still stuck in a place that doesn't even exist anymore..... I'm always there for him willing to do anything for him... and it the same for him to me....but its some how not enough.... I don't want to date anyone.... I just want someone there.... I have never felt this way in my entire life.... like I need someone to be there with me.... i got use to it with him and he went away.....move on to other people.....I'm independent I don't need someone to move on... I don't know why I'm stuck like this ..... more soon..... battery is dying

I jumped off a bridge and didn't fall

It's been 20 days since my last post. A lot has changed. The girls and I moved into the 3 bedroom apartment. They moved while I was at home at work, and then yelled at me for not moving my stuff with them. After I did move my things I got angry texts telling me that they were not moving my things for me> What? Oh My Lord I forgot a pen, a hair clip, salad dressing, and mustard. Lord help us for all I care the people who clean the apartment could have thrown it all out. So they gave me their keys and made me go get it. whatever ok fine..... I move into the new apartment bought stuff for my bathroom and a rug for my room to cover the huge iron mark on the floor ( no doubt in my mine that's why I got the biggest room). Everything was just as terrible as before, nothing changed what so ever. Changing the apartment doesn't exactly change the people you are living with.
I took a chance jumped out of my indecisiveness. I agreed to put money toward another apartment. I must add that it is the sweetest apartment and right above my work! It needs lots of work but it will be awesome when it's finished.
I made the smart move of posting that I'm moving on my facebook wall...... ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha... I swear within like 2 hours I got a text from the roommate from hell. "What's this about you moving out this week?" I told her that they had to find a roommate. I will continue paying rent until then. They had a fit. ha ha ha I loved it! I finally snapped at them when the one girl told me as soon as my stuff was moved out they wanted my key.... Was she F*&^%$#@ joking? No not at all! If I pay rent I can do whatever I want with the space that's mine. I'll leave a toothbrush in my bathroom and a pillow in my bedroom. Therefore I will need access to my belongings if it makes them happy. I can't exactly move out yet. If I move out they will get comfortable and not look for a roommate. So in a little bit I'm going to lay down the law. Telling them that I will be staying in the apartment until they find a roommate. ha ha hopefully it will be soon with them feeling so uncomfortable living with me.
I will be paying double rent for a little while but the new apartment is no where near as expensive as the one with the girls. Actually it will be like 1/6th ha ha ha and its much nicer and I'll be living with J. and M. ha ha ha the two people my roommates hate the most! Yes! I'm finally getting a little satisfaction.
Yesterday I was insulted and ripped apart by the one girl. They have no grounds to call me a liar, to tell me that they hate me and I'm making everything worse, to tell me no one feels bad for me and that all the problems are my fault. Honestly WTF they seriously need therapy the one girl has serious control and anger problems. ugh yuck
Just writing about this is making me upset. I talked to my friends and family and they don't really understand what I'm doing to these girls to make them go crazy. I swear I am never there, I clean up after myself, and I don't talk to them. What is the problem?? I wish I knew......I hate their guts ha ha ha ha But also I feel bad for them because I'm quiet literally going to put them threw hell in the next couple weeks.
I'm going to Italy in 3 weeks so that will help me relax a little.

It's calm under the waves in the blue of my oblivion....

I don't know what I'm doing...... I'm wasting my time. I'm just getting over being really sick.... I'm on over load but not doing anything if that's possible. There are so many things I need to do and get done. Yet I find myself doing none of these things. I either mope around at home like I did yesterday or I hang out at J.'s house. I really like this kid but we are both non commitment people, but we still hang out all the time, I sleep over all the time. I'm helping him with things in his life at the moment. Funny hu? I can barely get myself to drive back to Kent and go to class or get myself to sit a write a paper or study. And here I am trying to put my friends feet back on the ground. I can't tell what's stressing or draining me? School, people, work, Roommates, Me??? Ahhhhhh I just feel like screaming as loud as I can and just start going crazy! B/c If I don't figure out what I'm doing to myself I most certainly will go crazy..... I haven't slept at my apartment in a week.....the 10 minutes I was there the other day the roommates talked about me the whole time. Not to my face or directly by any means...it was like they had a conversation between themselves to hurt me b/c i could hear everything.....Ugh I hate them! I want to move out tomorrow and never come back.....oh no we are moving into the 3 room apartment tomorrow....of course when my day is packed I have to go and deal with that nonsense! Just what I want to do!! not! sit there and b/s while they move all of their crap.....It will honestly take me about 2 trips to move all of my stuff no kidding.....the second trip will be my bed.....I'm going to ask J. to help me move my stuff so I don't have to ask them to help me....I don't really want their help.....I don't want to live with them.......
The other day I noticed something while I was sitting on the porch at J.'s house. I hear Kent differently than I did last year. Last year all I heard were the birds outside, when I woke up I heard them, when I went to class...... This year I don't hear them anymore.....I hear silence or I hear the people moving around me.....I kinda liked the birds ha ha ha
I need to start going to the gym again....It used to make me feel so much better. But I'm to the point where I can't even motivate myself to do anything at all.....just writing this right now is wearing me out. I just feel awful all the time....I felt like a waste of life yesterday I skipped all 3 classes I had and then came back to school around 8ish, drank and went to J.'s.
I'm working at the hookah bar right now I just feel like falling over and going to sleep......right where I am......but no I have a very long night ahead of me......
My mother told me to come home and go to sleep...ha ha ha If I only could....I still feel obligated to show up and attempt to work and pay attention in class.
So I am calm under the waves in the blue of my oblivion.....I just put on a smile and go with the flow even though I'm slowly dying inside......

I can't explain, you would not understand, This is not how I am, I have become Comfortably Numb......PF

Ugh....Its been a while..... Roommates ok now we're moving the end of the week! yay I will have my own room and bathroom! hooray!
I feel like crap. I don't want to even move. I don't care about school. I don't care about work. I'm at my height of procrastination in my life. I ignore everything except what I want to see. I don't know what I really feel. I wish I could just trade my life for someone who would want it. All I want to do is lay in bed. The blissful oblivion of sleep is where I want to hide.
I haven't slept at my apartment for a while. I have been staying over J.'s house. Sleeping with someone else is nice and awful at the same time. I' m so tired. I'm restless with another person. It takes a lot to fall asleep but once I'm there its nothing. I don't dream when I sleep with him. Its a little strange. All together I like him. We connect on many levels and its nice to have someone to talk to. Nothing to deep cause that's not how I am, but casual and intellectual conversations are fantastic.
I feel like there is a void in my life now. What I do will change/effect where I will end up. If I keep up with this school nonsense and don't do anything, where will I go? No where. I need change. I need something to knock me out of this funk I'm in. I'm just waiting for it. I don't know what it will be, but it will have to be something big.
I feel like moving to Texas for the year. Ultimate escape, but is that what I need? who knows....
For now I guess I'm going to write a paper....if I can even stay focused enough to do it.

You've got mail

I'm sitting in my room at home watching You've Got Mail. It is by far one of my favorite movies. Sure some might think it's lame but I love it. Kathleen Kelly and Joe Fox pour out their inner most thoughts without actually giving any specifics. Favorite quotes;
"Kathleen: Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, not small, but valuable. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void. "
"JOE: Do you ever feel you become the worst version of yourself? That a Pandora's Box of all the secret hateful parts -- your arrogance, your spite, your condescension -- has sprung open. Someone provokes you, and instead of just smiling and moving on, you zing them. Hello, it's Mr. Nasty."
So in the past 3 days I have been threatened with a restraining order because of a facebook video blog I had nothing to do with except for the fact that my name was included. I've gone to great parties, worked and went out with this guy I met. Stupid roommates are making my life a living hell and it just got worse if that was even possible. I want to get on a plane and go to California to hide and visit my brother's friend. Quite frankly it would be so easy to just pick up and leave. I wonder if I always keep myself detached so I can get away.
This summer I could not wait to move back to school. I worked so much and was so blind to the fact that it is truly my refuge. Its the only place I can let my guard down and relax.
Today I slept all day. This situation truly drains me or I'm completely depressed. I'm most likely the second.
Decisions. It's not like I don't make them every single day, but these decisions are hard. Especially when I don't even know my exact options. My mother said I need to move out this week. Whether or not this gets ugly is up to them. I want out of the lease, but in a way I just want to stay until the end of the semester and just be miserable for money sake.
Safety. What is that? Safety is the state of being safe; freedom from the occurrence or risk of injury, danger, or loss. Are we ever really safe? No. Sure we do things to prevent injury, danger and loss, but is it worth locking someone out of their apartment? I think not. If I was a robber I would go through a window not through a dead bolted door. ugh
I slept until 3 today after an eventful evening of working until 4, going to a friends house after, driving home around 5, getting ready and finally going to bed at 7am. I need sleep in large quantities but who knows when I will actually get it. So after being awake for a couple hours, eating and bumming around I went back to bed. I slept again until 9, woke up and went to get food. During my ride I smoked and talked to my friends via text. R. was in town and was with my other friend J. going to the bars. So I met up with them to eat at Friday's. If not for them I would have not gotten ready or done anything today. So thanks you guys.
Compliments, doesn't everyone like to get them? I have received so many compliments this week and I think I take them for granted. I say thank you and go about my business, but I don't think I really absorb them. Maybe I have low self esteem, because I never think they actually mean it? Ya know what I mean? ha ha sounds ridiculous
I miss my dog when I'm at school. Right now she is laying right next to me in my bed. She is by no means small, Katy is a black standard poodle. My mother saved her from being put to sleep when she was 2. Katy was a crazy wild thing when we first got her. She was to big to be a show poodle and hard to control. I think all she needed was little freedom. At the time we had a retired show poodle James and he took the roll as her father. Basically calmed her down and now she is a well behaved loving poodle. Right now we have two cats Tim and Bruce, Tim is now laying on my bed as well. When my mom wakes up and walks past my room she always makes fun of the way I sleep. Katy lays beside me, there is always a cat at the end of my bed and I lay against the wall. It's so comfortable to sleep with them, another human being is another story.
I enjoy terms of endearment. Hunny, kiddo, love, etc. It's so much more personal then just saying Hey Abra.
I want to do so much tomorrow, I have soooo much to do tomorrow and I'm going back to the theater tomorrow night. School and work are becoming a hassle in my life. School has always been but never work. I love my work.
Being tucked in is the greatest thing. I was tucked in the other night when I was intoxicated staying at a friends house. It's like saying " I want you to sleep well let me make you comfortable, I care a lot about you."
I have a mosquito bite on my foot. It is the most annoying thing right this second. Who gets them there besides me.
I can't wait to live by myself. Well away from home at least. My surroundings would be my own.
I'm not a very emotional person. I may even try not to be emotional about things, but this week I just let loose. I have never cried so much in my life. Everything was just awful. In those moments it felt good, but now I don't understand why it helped. Crying just makes me able to feel bad about myself and my life.
I'm getting old and so are the people in my life. I have been meditating on this the past couple weeks. I say that I want to be older so I can drink legally but I guess I want everything to stay the same.
I'm getting tired again if that is at all possible after my 12 hours of sleep today, so I'm off to go finish watching my movie and go to sleep. Goodnight

Dreaming of screaming Someone kick me out of my mind I hate these thoughts I can't deny.....SoaD

I like to look up the meanings of my dreams. Last night I slept at R. and kept having crazy dreams.
D1. Rings on every finger and occasionally I would have to go look for them cause they would fall off. Random people would hand them to me, but the rings were kind of like the person. They were all different shapes and sizes. I had them on b/c of a movie or something?
Meaning: "To see a ring on your finger in your dream, signifies your commitment to a relationship or a successful new endeavor. It also indicates your loyalty to your ideals, responsibilities, and beliefs. " Also- "To dream that you lose a ring or someone has stolen your ring, suggests that you will lose something or someone near and dear to you.
To dream that you receive a ring, denotes that your suspicions and worries over you lover will end. You will come to realize that he is true to his heart and will devote himself to your interest."
I can see how this fits into my life. Roommate madness, loosing friends, new boy.... interesting
d2: I was outside and a huge spider came flying around me. I total freak out about insects especial flying things. Naturally I was completely stressed and scared. In the dream I just stood there and let it bite me. It put its creepy legs around my head and bit the top of my head.
Meaning:" To see a spider in your dream, indicates that you are feeling like an outsider in some situation. Or that you may want to keep your distance and� stay away from an alluring and tempting situation.� The spider is also symbolic of feminine power. Alternatively, a spider may refer to a powerful force protecting you against� your self-destructive behavior." Also-"To dream that you are bitten by a spider, represents a conflict with your mother or some dominant female figure in your life. The dream may be a metaphor for a devouring mother or the feminine power to possess and entrap. Perhaps you are feeling trapped by some relationship."
So yet again it is the roommates showing up in my dreams again. The dominant female is not my mother but one of the girls in my apartment. hmmm
D3 Holding for dear life onto some type of wagon w. 6 men ranging in age and being taken to some unknown location. They seemed to be moving or sending something to someone. We went through a very residential area. When I got off the wagon I was lost and freaked out.
Meaning: "To see a� wagon in your dream, is symbolic of difficulties. It also signifies your thrifty nature and your unwillingness to take risks." Also- " To dream that you are lost, suggests that you have lost your direction in life or that you have lost sight of your goals. You may be feeling worried and insecure about the path you are taking in life. Alternatively, you may be trying to adjust and get accustomed to a new situation in which the rules and conditions are ever changing."
I have truly lost my direction in life I have no idea what I'm doing and I have no ambitions.
The roommates stuff are my difficulties and they drain me of every ounce of energy.
D4 Creepy dream. I followed the life of a woman who had children and a busy life. I don't think I was actually in the dream, just observing. Inside the house there were a set of stairs that went to a room that the mother was in. The grandmother went upstairs and got the mother who kept saying that she just lost her 10 year old daughter. The next moment the grandmother looked at her daughter and said she's been dead for 4 years. The mother continues to loose her mind and go crazy.
Meaning: Numbers first always important if you can remember them correctly
Four: "Four denotes stability, physical limitations, hard labor and earthly things, as in the four corners of the earth. It also stands for materialistic matters. You get things done. "
Ten: "Ten corresponds to closure, great strength, and gains."
This kind of follows a movie I watched the other day, so I think the numbers are only significant.
Basically I think I have to work hard to fix and make closure of the roommate situation, because I'm not stable right now.
I have to go to class and my computer is dying so I'll continue later.......

Dream definitions: Dreammoods.com

My World Has Just Crumbled Around Me and Now I'm Trying to Put the Pieces Back Together

I had to give myself a couple days before writing so my blog didn't become some vulgar mess about my living situation.
I'm currently sitting in one of my favorite spots. The library's quiet area.... with my headphones on listening to Bach and Mozart. Ahh peace at last....
I have been hiding for the past couple days and I just realized this yesterday. Instead of going to my apartment and suffering in the awkward hostile environment, I have been running away to my work places, home, library or out with my friends. Last night was the first time I have slept in my apartment in almost 5 days. I was locked out of my own apartment two nights ago. and had to sleep at a friends house at 4 in the morning. But the roomies and I chatted yesterday.
After being a wreck for 2 days I sat down with them at 2:15 yesterday and we talked. They told me things that they hated about me and vice versa. It was very stress relieving and strange. We came to the conclusion that we could not live like this for much longer and we had to change. I have to tell them my schedule and when I'm not coming home. I feel like I'm 10 but whatever makes them happy. We are moving into a 3 bedroom apartment across the hall so that I don't have to share a room anymore. I'm not aloud to sleep all day on my day's off, but as soon as I have my own room I will sleep and not sleep whenever I damn well please. I will have my own bathroom and we will have a task list. I have the option to leave after this semester. Which quite frankly I was contemplating getting my own apartment tomorrow but I wasn't aloud to get out of the lease. Ugh
I was desperate for someone to tell me what I should do. I talked with all my friends my mother and brother. All I got was "do whats best for you." And I honestly could not make a decision. I was loosing my mind. What's best for me?? I guess I don't really think about that to much, but at the same time I'm very independent and think for myself. I don't know if that even makes sense, but I do care about all my friends and family before myself. This week in my life has been all about me. It was all I could think about. I felt like I was at a break in the road where it divided in two.
Like in Robert Frosts Poem The Road Not Taken "
"
I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference."

My mother told me that when I was older I will look back on this and laugh. Truly I didn't know what I was going to do. I still have the same decision awaiting me at the end of the semester. Whether or not I should move out and get my own place or live another semester in misery. It may seem minute but it can make all the difference...Happy or not?