I jumped off a bridge and didn't fall

It's been 20 days since my last post. A lot has changed. The girls and I moved into the 3 bedroom apartment. They moved while I was at home at work, and then yelled at me for not moving my stuff with them. After I did move my things I got angry texts telling me that they were not moving my things for me> What? Oh My Lord I forgot a pen, a hair clip, salad dressing, and mustard. Lord help us for all I care the people who clean the apartment could have thrown it all out. So they gave me their keys and made me go get it. whatever ok fine..... I move into the new apartment bought stuff for my bathroom and a rug for my room to cover the huge iron mark on the floor ( no doubt in my mine that's why I got the biggest room). Everything was just as terrible as before, nothing changed what so ever. Changing the apartment doesn't exactly change the people you are living with.
I took a chance jumped out of my indecisiveness. I agreed to put money toward another apartment. I must add that it is the sweetest apartment and right above my work! It needs lots of work but it will be awesome when it's finished.
I made the smart move of posting that I'm moving on my facebook wall...... ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha... I swear within like 2 hours I got a text from the roommate from hell. "What's this about you moving out this week?" I told her that they had to find a roommate. I will continue paying rent until then. They had a fit. ha ha ha I loved it! I finally snapped at them when the one girl told me as soon as my stuff was moved out they wanted my key.... Was she F*&^%$#@ joking? No not at all! If I pay rent I can do whatever I want with the space that's mine. I'll leave a toothbrush in my bathroom and a pillow in my bedroom. Therefore I will need access to my belongings if it makes them happy. I can't exactly move out yet. If I move out they will get comfortable and not look for a roommate. So in a little bit I'm going to lay down the law. Telling them that I will be staying in the apartment until they find a roommate. ha ha hopefully it will be soon with them feeling so uncomfortable living with me.
I will be paying double rent for a little while but the new apartment is no where near as expensive as the one with the girls. Actually it will be like 1/6th ha ha ha and its much nicer and I'll be living with J. and M. ha ha ha the two people my roommates hate the most! Yes! I'm finally getting a little satisfaction.
Yesterday I was insulted and ripped apart by the one girl. They have no grounds to call me a liar, to tell me that they hate me and I'm making everything worse, to tell me no one feels bad for me and that all the problems are my fault. Honestly WTF they seriously need therapy the one girl has serious control and anger problems. ugh yuck
Just writing about this is making me upset. I talked to my friends and family and they don't really understand what I'm doing to these girls to make them go crazy. I swear I am never there, I clean up after myself, and I don't talk to them. What is the problem?? I wish I knew......I hate their guts ha ha ha ha But also I feel bad for them because I'm quiet literally going to put them threw hell in the next couple weeks.
I'm going to Italy in 3 weeks so that will help me relax a little.

It's calm under the waves in the blue of my oblivion....

I don't know what I'm doing...... I'm wasting my time. I'm just getting over being really sick.... I'm on over load but not doing anything if that's possible. There are so many things I need to do and get done. Yet I find myself doing none of these things. I either mope around at home like I did yesterday or I hang out at J.'s house. I really like this kid but we are both non commitment people, but we still hang out all the time, I sleep over all the time. I'm helping him with things in his life at the moment. Funny hu? I can barely get myself to drive back to Kent and go to class or get myself to sit a write a paper or study. And here I am trying to put my friends feet back on the ground. I can't tell what's stressing or draining me? School, people, work, Roommates, Me??? Ahhhhhh I just feel like screaming as loud as I can and just start going crazy! B/c If I don't figure out what I'm doing to myself I most certainly will go crazy..... I haven't slept at my apartment in a week.....the 10 minutes I was there the other day the roommates talked about me the whole time. Not to my face or directly by any means...it was like they had a conversation between themselves to hurt me b/c i could hear everything.....Ugh I hate them! I want to move out tomorrow and never come back.....oh no we are moving into the 3 room apartment tomorrow....of course when my day is packed I have to go and deal with that nonsense! Just what I want to do!! not! sit there and b/s while they move all of their crap.....It will honestly take me about 2 trips to move all of my stuff no kidding.....the second trip will be my bed.....I'm going to ask J. to help me move my stuff so I don't have to ask them to help me....I don't really want their help.....I don't want to live with them.......
The other day I noticed something while I was sitting on the porch at J.'s house. I hear Kent differently than I did last year. Last year all I heard were the birds outside, when I woke up I heard them, when I went to class...... This year I don't hear them anymore.....I hear silence or I hear the people moving around me.....I kinda liked the birds ha ha ha
I need to start going to the gym again....It used to make me feel so much better. But I'm to the point where I can't even motivate myself to do anything at all.....just writing this right now is wearing me out. I just feel awful all the time....I felt like a waste of life yesterday I skipped all 3 classes I had and then came back to school around 8ish, drank and went to J.'s.
I'm working at the hookah bar right now I just feel like falling over and going to sleep......right where I am......but no I have a very long night ahead of me......
My mother told me to come home and go to sleep...ha ha ha If I only could....I still feel obligated to show up and attempt to work and pay attention in class.
So I am calm under the waves in the blue of my oblivion.....I just put on a smile and go with the flow even though I'm slowly dying inside......

I can't explain, you would not understand, This is not how I am, I have become Comfortably Numb......PF

Ugh....Its been a while..... Roommates ok now we're moving the end of the week! yay I will have my own room and bathroom! hooray!
I feel like crap. I don't want to even move. I don't care about school. I don't care about work. I'm at my height of procrastination in my life. I ignore everything except what I want to see. I don't know what I really feel. I wish I could just trade my life for someone who would want it. All I want to do is lay in bed. The blissful oblivion of sleep is where I want to hide.
I haven't slept at my apartment for a while. I have been staying over J.'s house. Sleeping with someone else is nice and awful at the same time. I' m so tired. I'm restless with another person. It takes a lot to fall asleep but once I'm there its nothing. I don't dream when I sleep with him. Its a little strange. All together I like him. We connect on many levels and its nice to have someone to talk to. Nothing to deep cause that's not how I am, but casual and intellectual conversations are fantastic.
I feel like there is a void in my life now. What I do will change/effect where I will end up. If I keep up with this school nonsense and don't do anything, where will I go? No where. I need change. I need something to knock me out of this funk I'm in. I'm just waiting for it. I don't know what it will be, but it will have to be something big.
I feel like moving to Texas for the year. Ultimate escape, but is that what I need? who knows....
For now I guess I'm going to write a paper....if I can even stay focused enough to do it.