"if you weren't careful you could lose everything you've ever earned in life in a split second."

wow..... lot has happened recently..... half moved into newest apartment... still live at home and the 3 bedroom... I moved in with G. and M..... went to Italy with M....... got home got in huge fight with M. he moved out..... G. and I are complicated as ever.... I hate my life.... I dropped out of school....Both work places are nightmares to go to... I feel like I'm going absolutely no where... I'm completely broke and I work 60 hours a week.... I have loads of credit card debt.... I'm helping remodel our apartment....I'm sitting in the bath tub talking to G. on aim when I should have driven back to our apartment hours ago.....I can't stand anything anymore.... I have been drinking and smoking to the point of blacking out I become an emotional mess that no one can help or settle down.... where the f*&^ am I going what am I doing? In Italy I drank a ridiculous amount... I would go outside by myself in downtown Florence and sit and smoke and cry. wondering why I'm so messed up why no one wants to be with me. I hate myself I don't make any sense I'm stupid I hate the world. I'm so stressed out and I can't even tell you what for. Ive completely lost it. I lost everything that I have been for the past couple years.....weeks just keep going by and nothing ever really happens I don't really move forward or back..... I'm in this constant battle with myself and yet I do nothing... I sleep alll day I don't go to the gym, Im gaining weight like its my job or something... I need a schedule I need a routine something to go along with. but I can't even pull myself to do anything about it..... I'm a very jealous and mean person but I never show it. well I shouldn't say never because the past month I have been glowing with hatred and jealously. I love G. but we could never be together yet I sit here wanting to kill myself because I'm not with him. he moves on and I'm still stuck in a place that doesn't even exist anymore..... I'm always there for him willing to do anything for him... and it the same for him to me....but its some how not enough.... I don't want to date anyone.... I just want someone there.... I have never felt this way in my entire life.... like I need someone to be there with me.... i got use to it with him and he went away.....move on to other people.....I'm independent I don't need someone to move on... I don't know why I'm stuck like this ..... more soon..... battery is dying