Abracadabra

wow..... lot has happened recently..... half moved into newest apartment... still live at home and the 3 bedroom... I moved in with G. and M..... went to Italy with M....... got home got in huge fight with M. he moved out..... G. and I are complicated as ever.... I hate my life.... I dropped out of school....Both work places are nightmares to go to... I feel like I'm going absolutely no where... I'm completely broke and I work 60 hours a week.... I have loads of credit card debt.... I'm helping remodel our apartment....I'm sitting in the bath tub talking to G. on aim when I should have driven back to our apartment hours ago.....I can't stand anything anymore.... I have been drinking and smoking to the point of blacking out I become an emotional mess that no one can help or settle down.... where the f*&^ am I going what am I doing? In Italy I drank a ridiculous amount... I would go outside by myself in downtown Florence and sit and smoke and cry. wondering why...

It's been 20 days since my last post. A lot has changed. The girls and I moved into the 3 bedroom apartment. They moved while I was at home at work, and then yelled at me for not moving my stuff with them. After I did move my things I got angry texts telling me that they were not moving my things for me> What? Oh My Lord I forgot a pen, a hair clip, salad dressing, and mustard. Lord help us for all I care the people who clean the apartment could have thrown it all out. So they gave me their keys and made me go get it. whatever ok fine..... I move into the new apartment bought stuff for my bathroom and a rug for my room to cover the huge iron mark on the floor ( no doubt in my mine that's why I got the biggest room). Everything was just as terrible as before, nothing changed what so ever. Changing the apartment doesn't exactly change the people you are living with. I took a chance jumped out of my indecisiveness. I agreed to put money toward another apartment. I must add...

I don't know what I'm doing...... I'm wasting my time. I'm just getting over being really sick.... I'm on over load but not doing anything if that's possible. There are so many things I need to do and get done. Yet I find myself doing none of these things. I either mope around at home like I did yesterday or I hang out at J.'s house. I really like this kid but we are both non commitment people, but we still hang out all the time, I sleep over all the time. I'm helping him with things in his life at the moment. Funny hu? I can barely get myself to drive back to Kent and go to class or get myself to sit a write a paper or study. And here I am trying to put my friends feet back on the ground. I can't tell what's stressing or draining me? School, people, work, Roommates, Me??? Ahhhhhh I just feel like screaming as loud as I can and just start going crazy! B/c If I don't figure out what I'm doing to myself I most certainly will go crazy..... I...

Ugh....Its been a while..... Roommates ok now we're moving the end of the week! yay I will have my own room and bathroom! hooray! I feel like crap. I don't want to even move. I don't care about school. I don't care about work. I'm at my height of procrastination in my life. I ignore everything except what I want to see. I don't know what I really feel. I wish I could just trade my life for someone who would want it. All I want to do is lay in bed. The blissful oblivion of sleep is where I want to hide. I haven't slept at my apartment for a while. I have been staying over J.'s house. Sleeping with someone else is nice and awful at the same time. I' m so tired. I'm restless with another person. It takes a lot to fall asleep but once I'm there its nothing. I don't dream when I sleep with him. Its a little strange. All together I like him. We connect on many levels and its nice to have someone to talk to. Nothing to deep cause that's not ...

I'm sitting in my room at home watching You've Got Mail. It is by far one of my favorite movies. Sure some might think it's lame but I love it. Kathleen Kelly and Joe Fox pour out their inner most thoughts without actually giving any specifics. Favorite quotes; "Kathleen: Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, not small, but valuable. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void. " "JOE: Do you ever feel you become the worst version of yourself? That a Pandora's Box of all the secret hateful parts -- your arrogance, your spite, your condescension -- has sprung open. Someone provokes you, and instead of just smiling and moving on, you zing them. Hello, it's M...

I like to look up the meanings of my dreams. Last night I slept at R. and kept having crazy dreams. D1. Rings on every finger and occasionally I would have to go look for them cause they would fall off. Random people would hand them to me, but the rings were kind of like the person. They were all different shapes and sizes. I had them on b/c of a movie or something? Meaning: "To see a ring on your finger in your dream, signifies your commitment to a relationship or a successful new endeavor. It also indicates your loyalty to your ideals, responsibilities, and beliefs. " Also- "To dream that you lose a ring or someone has stolen your ring, suggests that you will lose something or someone near and dear to you. To dream that you receive a ring, denotes that your suspicions and worries over you lover will end. You will come to realize that he is true to his heart and will devote himself to your interest." I can see how this fits into my life. Roommate madness, loosing f...

I had to give myself a couple days before writing so my blog didn't become some vulgar mess about my living situation. I'm currently sitting in one of my favorite spots. The library's quiet area.... with my headphones on listening to Bach and Mozart. Ahh peace at last.... I have been hiding for the past couple days and I just realized this yesterday. Instead of going to my apartment and suffering in the awkward hostile environment, I have been running away to my work places, home, library or out with my friends. Last night was the first time I have slept in my apartment in almost 5 days. I was locked out of my own apartment two nights ago. and had to sleep at a friends house at 4 in the morning. But the roomies and I chatted yesterday. After being a wreck for 2 days I sat down with them at 2:15 yesterday and we talked. They told me things that they hated about me and vice versa. It was very stress relieving and strange. We came to the conclusion that we cou...

Ok, I'm sitting in my living room at the moment, because I can not sleep in my own apartment. I tried and tried but sleeping was far from what I wanted to do. Right now I have decided to ask the girls to lunch this week. When they are both available...ha ha I can't live like this for another second. I refuse to be miserable for an entire year. I just won't deal with it. It completely stresses me out. Even though I'm trying to figure things out I'm still going home tomorrow and trying to stay away from my apartment. Maybe I will leave a note on the fridge or try to talk to them tomorrow? who knows I know this will not be easy for me. Right now there is absolutely no communication. I don't even say hi and neither do they. This must change, if we are going to act like human beings. I am not perfect and neither are they. We have to make rules and a guide lines. I absolutely hate coming home to a house full of people I don't know! I want a task list or something ...

I hate my roommates. I'm slowly being removed from the apartment. It's just little things. For instance, things that I bought for our place are now MIA or thrown in my pantry area. A God awful picture of me they had in our living room had been replaced with a picture of the two of them. Quite frankly it makes me laugh hysterically. How immature? I'm half tempted to just ask them if there is someone else they would like to live with so I can move. I really do not want to go through the agony of moving my stuff again. I feel like things will not work out. At this point I really don't even feel like trying anymore. I guess its my fault as well. I'm really unhappy with my living arrangements. I try not to stay there very much at all. Just today I was going to the grocery store and had an awful feeling about returning to put my things away. Another thing! So say I go to take a nap during the day. I swear as soon as I put my head to the pillow the blinds are pulled open,...

So....This is my first time blogging....fun times....Well I'll tell you a few things about myself. My name is Abra. Yes Abra. Its not a nickname or anything of that nature. Its from the book East of Eden by John Stienbeck. I'm a workaholic. I manage a Movie theater at home and a hookah bar at school. Both my work places are my secret hide outs when I don't want to deal with the crap going on in my life. I love my jobs because I fit in and I feel needed. I'm always the go to person when there are problems and I love that. 99.9% of the time I can get problems or issues fixed over the phone. I recently moved into a apartment with two girls I made friends with my freshman year of college. I thought that it would work out great contrary to me absolutely hating girls. ha ha I was so incredible wrong. I have been living there almost 3 weeks and its been anything but a pleasant experience. I share a room with one of the girls and I feel like I have no space to myself. I...